Seriously. I have this little problem with perfectionism. And by little problem, I mean that it's probably the cause of a lot of my behavior and mental road-blocks and artistic resistance.
I need to stop trying to be perfect and just BE.
Re-learning the violin is bringing up all this shit. It's bad enough that the actual act of playing an instrument is more than hard.
I'm standing there, trying to keep my bow-hand relaxed, my grip right, my bow strokes long enough, short enough and that's just one hand.
Then there's the whole fingering-- right tune, right note, right time, right string, right holding technique of the instrument, and also trying not to look fat while you're standing evenly on both legs-- don't tell me that this isn't a concern ladies, you know.
(A little cocked hip can really forgive a few pounds. Plus, I ate an entire jar of pickles before the lesson. We all have our trigger foods.)
And then don't forget the reading the music part, which for someone who is crap at math, is akin to taking on an Asian Eminem in a Chinese rapping battle after one lesson at the local Y.
I feel as though I'm learning to drive a car while making sushi while trying to explain the concept of Epistemology to a toddler using sock puppets and venn diagrams.
And I also have this voice in my head constantly saying "You're not doing it good enough, you're not good enough," etc.
After driving home, mad with myself, frustrated and upset, and thinking of all the stupid unhelpful things I could do, I decided the only solution is to say "fuck off," to those nasty tiny little cramped thoughts that lead me into a place that's nasty, tiny and cramped.
I will go towards what scares me, what I'm bad at (but interested in) and I will do my best not to care if I look chunky while I'm doing it.
Because unlike my waistline, my violining will only get better with age.
A whole jar? Blergh.
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